TREADMILL

I"m a survivor of abuse. Physical and emotional abuse as a child. Lots of it. It has left me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hate it. Recently I restarted therapy. The guy I'm seeing was on my previous therapist's "emergency" list...and since my previous therapist is dead, I guess calling this new person made sense.


My issue at the moment is paralysis. I am stuck. Can't move. Literally. Can't. Move. When I think about exercising or doing anything healthy for myself I seize up. I have a shortness of breath. My legs don't want to move. The muscles in my arms tighten up. It's not a good feeling. It reminds me of how I felt when I was being abused...


My new therapist and I talked about that yesterday. He suggested that I try to feel the tensing of the muscles, and push aside the panic piece of the equation, because I do panic when I feel this way. We did a short exercise and I had some success, but I knew I had to practice to get better at it.


Today I spent 3 hours in paralysis. I even created this blog as a way to avoid doing  a little exercise. By “a little” I mean, “20 minutes on a slow treadmill.” I think that is a little.


After eating lunch I was able to yell at myself loudly enough that I got on the stupid treadmill.


My muscles were tense. My head began to swim as I moved my feet on the belt. Breathe. Breathe. This is not that trauma. This elevated heartbeat is not “that” elevated heartbeat. This heavy breathing is not “that” heavy breathing. I put on some Mavis Staples walking music, and pressed “go.”

It was not too bad. I felt anxious a few times, and when I did feel the anxiety rising, I would pray, “God, this is not that time, help me to be here now. Help me to feel this as a good thing. Help me to know this is a good thing.” And I kept walking. And walking. And walking. When I finally stopped, I noted that I had been at it for 40  minutes. My breathing came back to normal. I had survived.






It was a couple hours later that the anxiety began to rise up again. I felt...ashamed. My body was translating the healthy activity as "trauma". I felt...angry that I felt ashamed. I felt frustrated that even though I was able to walk, the trauma was still able to change that good thing into something really horrible. My limbs started tightening up. My head started to swirl. “God, help me to remember the good that walk did for me. Help me to remember how I did not feel so terrible when I was on the treadmill and how I lost track of time because it was OK to be walking for my health.”


I am trying to be patient. I am terrible at being patient. I trust that God who saved me, delivered me, from my tormentors, will lead me through this wilderness. Like my spiritual forebears, I’m pretty sure that I will murmur until I reach the promised land As a wise doctor friend of mine once prescribed: one step today...maybe two steps tomorrow. I will try.
--todd